I’m writing this cosied up in a corner of my favourite coffee spot in Bournemouth, with a chai latte in hand. It’s the first time I’ve opened my laptop in a week and a half, and in amongst organising my inbox and sending end of the month invoices, I felt the need for a little heart to heart with you all – an explanation for my absence recently, and a burning desire to get a few things off my chest. I’m hoping this will be a little cathartic for me, if nothing else.
This time last year I was approaching the New Year with a sense of trepidation. My grandad had just been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour, and I knew that I was in for something of a rough ride for 2016. I had hope though, and I had plans and goals, both personally and professionally to really make the most of the year despite everything.
I knew going in to 2016 that I would lose my Grandad, but looking back, I had no idea how hard everything would be. I had no idea that everything else, work, friendships, my social life, would completely fall by the wayside, whilst I dealt with the thousand and one curveballs that life threw at me this year.
I spent the first half of the year supporting my family + my grandad whilst he got sicker and sicker. We’d been warned the chances of him making it to September were slim, and that he wouldn’t see out the year. But when June came and we lost him, we were still massively unprepared, and left feeling cheated out of time we thought we had left with him. Around the same time, we finally bid farewell to our elderly Labrador, who’d been with us since I was eight. I know the two shouldn’t be comparable, but Teaser was a big, wonderful part of our lives, and home doesn’t quite feel right without her.
No matter how much time you have to prepare for the loss of a family member, it still hits you hard, and just as we were beginning to get back on our feet, my dad had a horrific bike accident that left him with a handful of broken bones in his face and lucky to be alive. And once again, our lives and plans were thrown up in the air as we rallied round to be with my dad as he went through surgery to put plates in his face, and physio to help with his bruised and battered body.
Around the same time, I started to feel pretty unwell, overwhelmingly exhausted all the time, dizzy and faint at the slightest movement, and nauseous for no apparent reason. I lost my appetite and weirdly didn’t want to eat anything except ice cubes. After a few dizzy spells on the underground, and nearly passing out on my poor friend Ghenet, I went to the doctors and after a few rounds of tests they diagnosed me with severe anaemia. Since then I’ve gone through numerous tests and a surgery to try and figure out why my body isn’t absorbing any nutrients at all, and we’ve yet to find an answer. At the same time, my other Grandad who is now in his eighties, was admitted into hospital with heart problems. He spent the better part of two weeks in hospital before they were able to fit a pacemaker, and luckily he’s now doing well, but for a moment there we were pretty worried.
Then just as we were beginning to wind down for Christmas, we were blindsided by the passing of Connor’s dad. It was entirely unexpected and out of the blue, I was sat in the bath, luxuriating in the knowledge I only had two days left at work before taking some time out for Christmas when we got a phone call we never could have predicted. He was only fifty, and again we were left feeling cheated out of the time we thought we’d have. As his next of kin, it’s fallen to Connor to organise the funeral, and all the legalities, so we’ve been left spending Christmas reeling, grieving and having to plan a funeral for someone we thought we’d have another twenty five years with.
So I hope you’ll understand why my little corner of the internet has fallen by the wayside somewhat this year, particularly over the last couple of weeks. I’m hoping to be back with you soon, and that life will return to normal scheduled programming in the new year. After the year I’ve had I’m craving a boring 2017 – wouldn’t that be nice!
I cannot even begin to thank you all for your support this year. Your sweet messages of love and kindness during my grandad’s illness and after we lost him, and again these past few weeks have genuinely warmed my heart, and made me feel so lucky and grateful to have you all. I hope that in 2017 I can offer you something a little happier round these parts.
If you take anything from this post and the disaster that has been my 2016, please let it be to hold your loved ones near and dear, and never miss an opportunity to tell those you love how you feel.
I hope you’ve all had a wonderful Christmas, and I’m wishing you all a calm, peaceful and happy 2017.