Lifestyle

35 Thoughts I Have When I Go To IKEA

by jayerockett |
  1. Right. I need to go to IKEA. This is fine. I’ll go in the week. I have a list. It won’t be stressful at all.
  2. I only need three things. I know where they all are. We can be in and out in 30 minutes.
  3. It’s a Tuesday at 3pm, how is it possible that there are no parking spaces?! Don’t all these people have places to be?
  4. I only need three things, but I’d better grab a giant yellow bag. I don’t have three hands.
  5. Ooh look, they redid the mini fake apartments! I better go look round them and pretend I live in them.
  6. Okay focus. Find what you need. Shelves, storage boxes, ziplock bags.
  7. Why are there so many pregnant people in IKEA?! Do you have to be pregnant to go to IKEA?! Everyone here is pregnant. AM I PREGNANT?!
  8. Why has everything moved?! Now I have to walk round the whole store.
  9. This is stressing me out, I’d better take a meatball break.
  10. How many meatballs do I normally order?! Ten, fifteen, or twenty?! Better get fifteen to be safe.
  11. I totally can’t eat fifteen meatballs. I’ve eaten eight. Maybe if I break a few up it’ll look like I ate more.
  12. Okay I’m so full but it would be such a shame not to have a piece of Daim cake wouldn’t it?
  13. Aaaaand I’ve wasted thirty minutes eating. Best get back to it.
  14. There should be a rule banning children from IKEA. I’ve already accidentally hit three round the head with my big yellow bag. And they’re so loud.
  15. Okay okay, I found the marketplace. Has it always been this big?
  16. Surely this corkboard isn’s actually called Vaggis.
  17. Oooh kitchen tools. I think I need an apple slicer, what have I been using to slice apples all this time?!
  18. GLASSES WITH FLAMINGOS THEY HAVE GLASSES WITH FLAMINGOS THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
  19. I should probably pick up some more Tupperware. You know. Since I’m here.
  20. Okay Jaye get back on track.
  21. OOOH CUSHIONS.
  22. Okay storage, I need that!
  23. I can’t remember what size boxes I needed so I’ll just get some in every size.
  24. I should stock up on candles. You never know when you’ll have a power cut.
  25. How many candles are too many candles?
  26. I should get plants. Plants are good for you.
  27. Okay, checkout time, which queue looks the shortest?
  28. I picked the longest queue. It’s not moving at all.
  29. IM GOING TO DIE IN THIS QUEUE.
  30. I’ve been in this queue for so long I need a snack now. I’m going to buy a hot dog and try not to think about where the meat is from.
  31. AND A DOUGHNUT.
  32. Oh the food shop. Best stock up on meatball gravy and tiny cinnamon rolls.
  33. HOW DID I SPEND TWO HUNDRED POUNDS?! I ONLY NEEDED THREE THINGS.
  34. Okay let’s just get this in the car and get out of here.
  35. Shit I forgot the ziplock bags.