I’ve started writing this post a hundred times and still can’t quite find the words.
So I’m just going to jump in I think.
My wonderful grandad passed away peacefully on June 9th, after a brave and tireless six month fight with the tumour in his head. In his final moments he was comfortable, at peace, and surrounded by so many people who loved him, and that’s exactly what he would have wanted. He fought til the very end, and he still had his sense of humour too. He leaves behind a family that’s devastated, but also so very proud to have known him, and to have been affected by the happiness that followed him wherever he went.
I want to thank my wonderful friends and readers, for all their love, support, and eternal kindness, in the past weeks, but really, since his diagnosis in December. This has been the hardest six months of my life, and having the support and love of you guys has meant the world.
I find myself now in something of a transitional period. The last six months have revolved solely around being there, not just for my grandad but my parents too, being unable to travel or make too many plans, because we just didn’t know how long we had left. Flipping open my diary, I have not one single plan, event, meeting or trip, and it feels kind of strange.
I thought after he passed, I would throw myself back into work, but in all honesty, I still can’t think of anything but him. Writing about fashion, beauty, or even life seems pointless and trivial. And so in all honesty, I feel a little lost. When you have no plans and can’t think about work, what do you do?
And I know, that I don’t have to be back in the starting blocks right away. I know I’m allowed to take time to grieve and adjust. But it feels weird. Is that normal? I don’t know, I’ve never lost anyone before.
The 23rd of June will see me attending my first ever funeral, and the thought makes me feel positively sick. Due to uni commitments, Connor won’t be able to be there, and the realisation I was going to have to do this alone bought on the first panic attack I’ve had over the last six months. I’ve been so proud of the fact that throughout this awful time I’ve for the most part, kept my anxiety at a manageable level, but this one fact kind of pushed me over the edge. I know my family will be there, and that they will need me there, but whenever I think about it, I just want to hide. I hope the day won’t be as awful as I’m building it up to be in my mind.
I have a new planner, and it starts the Monday after the funeral, so in my mind I’m setting this as a goal for a fresh start. A time to take on a positive attitude, make plans for the month ahead, and tackle the second half of 2016 head on. My grandad would be horrified if he thought we were all moping around, and not making the most of life, so whilst right now, I’m taking some time to be sad, I’m looking forward to a fresh start, and bringing a little happy back into my life.
My grandad was one of the happiest people I have ever met. He never complained or grumbled, he made the best of every day, and was never spotted without a smile. I’ll remember him for the way he made everyone happy around him, and could always be found at the centre of a party, buying everyone another round. I only hope that when my time comes, I am surrounded by as many people, and as much love as he was in his final hours.
Thank you again for your love and support. You guys are my little happy.
